If only..... {Sirius}

[lauren]

Lily was sitting down in an empty Corridor, clutching a letter in her hand. Sure most of the students were either in class, or out on the school grounds. Not Lily though, no Lily just wanted some time alone. Even though she hadn't told anyone, her parent's had been killed. Not only that, but Lily had been there when it happend and she herself narowly escaped death. Not even Severus Snape knew this, whom was considered one of her best friends. Nope Lily hadn't told a soul about this summer. Sure she used to tell Severus almost everything and there were several other people here at Hogwarts whom she could talk to when things bothered her, but this was something she hadn't mentioned to anyone. A part of her didn't want to. There would be the people who give her pity, then she was sure there were others whom would say they wished she should have died along with them too. Those were most likely the people whom hated her for being a muggleborn.

She had just recieved a letter from her Sister, which was the letter she had in her hand at this very moment. This shocked her greatly. Mainly because her sister had never written her while at school, but also because of waht the letter had said. Long story short her sister blamed her for their parents death. Not only that Petunia had kicked Lily out of the house, or well in a way she had. She refused to come pick her up at the train station. She told her that if she did somehow find a way back by herself that it wouldn't matter, because she changed the locks. Yes her older sister had tossed her out. What she was going to do when Hogwarts got out? Well she wasn't sure what she was going to do to be honest... The thing was a part of Lily was starting to believe what her sister was saying, that it was her fault their parents were dead. "When did things get so screwed up?" she asked herself.

Lily had alredy spent hours and hours crying over it. days really. Everything was just building up. She refused to talk about it. Deep down a part of her really did blame herself for her parents death. The words If only continued to play in her head. If only she'd known what was coming...if only she could have gotten them away from the house sooner. There were so many if onlys, but what was the use now? Her parents were dead. They were never coming back. A part of her had wished she had died that night. I mean why not right? Her sister, whom she was once extremely close with, now hated her. Things would never be the same again and although Lily didn't want to admit it out loud, she knew it was the truth.

[Sirius Black!]

Sirius made his way through the corridors, not really thinking about a whole lot. His hands were deep in his pocket, and he wasn't thinking about a whole lot or heading anywhere in particular. He didn't know where James, Remus or Peter was, but contrary to popular belief, they actually didn't spend all their time together. In fact, they spent a lot of time apart as well, which was something that most people just couldn't seem to believe. Although the weather seemed quite nice for January outside, he couldn't be bothered with going out. Sometimes he just liked meandering the corridors in hopes of finding a secret passageway he had never seen before, or maybe one that had literally never been discovered since the creation of Hogwarts.

Sirius began to whistle just out of his extremely good mood. A couple girls passed who he winked at and who giggled as they passed, which boosted his ego... not that he exactly needed it. However, he was not in a mood that day for picking up girls surprisingly. Or perhaps it was because he had a very interesting night the night before with a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw. Either way, he was literally just taking it easy and going with the flow.

However, he soon came across a hallway with a head of familiar red hair. He didn't stop whistling, but he did pause, considering his options. He tried to avoid Lily as much as possible if he could avoid it. All she did was complain about how he and James were arrogant prats, which admittedly, they were, but she had never taken the time to actually get to know them. Deep beneath the foolishness, well, there was more foolishness and arrogance, but they did know how to have a conversation every once and a while; and on a rare occasion they'd even have a serious one. What Lily didn't know was that most of the serious conversations revolved around her.

Out of lack of anything better to do, though, Sirius decided to approach her. She was looking at the floor, and he continued to whistle. He stopped dead in front of her, and when she looked at him, he said, quite cheerily, "Why the long face?"

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[lauren]

Lily looked up a bit shocked, when Sirius spoke to her. She hadn't expected anyone to find her here, so quickly, Let alone it being Sirius. "Im the reason their dead..." she said quietly, not really wanting to say it out loud. She knew he wouldn't understood what she meant, by her saying that. I mean how could he. No one knew her parents were dead, let alone the fact that she was there when it happened and didn't try and stop it. Lily kept her mouth shut. Sirius wasn't her favorite company to be around, however at the moment she was just too upset to start yelling at him like she would normally. "Nevermind you wouldn't understand I mean. I mean how could you. You weren't there." she added at the end. She wasn't sure if she had the strength enough to say it out loud. Saying it out loud would make it real. "You weren't standing there as they were tortured and did nothing..." Lily trailed off, closing eyes.. "Most importantly your Sister doesn't hate you, because you killed your parents." she added really quiet this time. A part of her still had trouble saying it. She didn't tell him about being kicked out though. She didn't want anyone to know about that yet. She wasn't even sure if Dumbledore knew or not, but then again with him you never really know.

Of course Lily knew their was real even if she had a hard time admiting it. The truth was she thought that if she didn't say anything, that it wouldn't be true. Even a part of her now was hoping that maybe this was all just one big nightmare, even after admitting it outloud. She was hoping that her parents hadn't been tortured for hours on end before they died. She wished that she could just wake up and for things to go back to normal. They never would now though. Her sister truly hated her. Petunia being jealous Lily could deal with, but actually hating her? That was something she knew she couldn't deal with.

[Sirius Black!]

The grin on Sirius' face soon slid off the moment Lily began rambling at him, and it was about something serious. He could tell by the look on her face, and by the way that Lily never showed much sense of humour before, or even the fact that she never talked to him unless she was yelling. She looked.. crushed. There was no better word for it. The usual spark in her bright green eyes seemed like it had vanished, and her shoulders were slouched in a way that made her seem less confident. There was also a piece of parchment in her hand, but Sirius didn't bother asking her about it. He found it strange enough that she was talking about torturing and about him not understanding, but most importantly, she was talking to him like he was a normal human being! Sirius chanced a look up and down the hallway to make sure that no one was around. He didn't think - nay, knew - he was not the person to be talking to her about deep things, for Sirius was as about as deep as a puddle. Besides, did he really want his first real conversation with her to be about something traumatic she obviously experienced? No. If he was James, he could easily use this as a way of gaining Lily's trust in order to maybe get with her, but he wasn't James, but at the moment he wished he was.

The moment Lily said something about killing her parents, his heart sank. He had no idea what she was talking about, and really didn't want to know. Sirius tried to look her in the eyes, but felt as if he shouldn't. Instead, he allowed his grey eyes to look at her shiny, red hair and the way it fell around her shoulders. It was safe to say his good mood was out the window.

"Evans... Lily," he corrected himself, for he didn't think using her last name would make her feel comfortable. If anything, if he used it, she might put up a barrier and remember how much she truly disliked him. It wasn't even like Sirius didn't like Lily, but he always believed her to be unfair to James, and that James was clearly wasting his time on her. "I'm sure you didn't kill anyone. I honestly don't think you have it in you."

He tried to smile to maybe lighten her up a bit, but doubted very much it was going to work. He stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, but immediately removed it. He felt awkward, and didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be there, but he also didn't want to leave her, especially now that she had opened up even just a little bit.

"Tell me what happened," he coaxed.

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[lauren]

Lily shook her head, when he said she didn't kill anyone. "No, but I as good as killed them." she retorted. Maybe that wasn't true, but that's how she felt. She really couldn't help it. "Death Eaters" was all she said, when he asked what happened. That should be enough of an explaination for him to understand. "I'm lucky to even be sitting right here by you to begin with Sirius. I would have been next. I probably still am..." she added, trailing off. She had no way of knowing what they were planning. She was lucky she had escaped. If she hadn't, she probably would have been next. "and my sister hates me because of it." she said, trailing off.. "She's not even coming to pick me up after we all get out..." she said very quietly, you could barley hear her. She also had said it more so to herself then him.

She sighed a little bit, to herself. She wasn't sure what to say next. "Look I know you probably think I should tell Potter this for whatever reason.I mean I wouldn't be surpised if you thought along those lines and I undersand. He's your best friend and all, but I can't. Not this. I don't think I could bare it if he knew everything about this." she said, looking away. Sure she didn't know why she was telling him this, of all people. She couldn't keep it in anymore thouogh. "I'm not even entirely sure why I'm telling you either. I don't really want to tell anyone to be honest,but It's all just getting to be too much. I'm not really sure how much more I can handle. I've been keeping this in too long" she said. Most importantly she didn't want James to know her sister kicked her out, that was another reason why she didn't go into deatil with Sirius. She was afraid He would tell James, or ANYONE for that matter. She wouldn't know how to react if anyone found out. She had less then less then six months to figure it out though.

[Sirius Black!]

Sirius wanted to do what he did whenever girls confided in him... which happened a lot more than he let on. For some reason, when you hit on girls, they seemed to be under the impression that you actually liked them, which was ridiculous. However, as surprising as it was, when it came to people other than Slytherins or people who have done something to him or his best mates, he wasn't a complete ass; and although Lily was very rude to both he and James, he knew that if he was a true jerk to Lily, James wouldn't be very happy with him, which was exactly what he didn't want.

Sirius sighed, and he wanted to do what he did with other girls, which would be to cup their faces in his hands and tell them it would be okay. However, Lily wasn't just another girl, and besides, he doubted very much that it would work. Lily was, in every sense of the word, stubborn. He knew that if he were to do such a thing, she would deny it. He ran a hand through his black hair, paced quickly, and then turned back to her and said, "I honestly don't know the whole story. But if they were Death Eaters... there's nothing you could have done, especially at fifteen," he knew he sounded preachy, but he honestly couldn't think of anything better to say, so he was trying to think of what Remus would. "If they didn't get you when they were killing your parents, they probably don't want you. I mean... they're Death Eaters."

Sirius still couldn't believe the conversation he was having with Lily. Her parents dead, her sister hating her... all of which he couldn't possibly even imagine. Well, if his parents were killed, he honestly doubted very much that he would even care, and as for his siblings hating him, it already was happening... something else that he didn't mind at all. So how was he supposed to console Lily when she practically got the life that he wanted? No, he shouldn't say that. He wasn't supposed to wish death upon anyone. But it wasn't really wishing for their deaths, it was more of a neutrality. That was a lot better, wasn't it?

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "So... what? You got kicked out by your Muggle sister?" He chuckled without meaning to. "What did she do... change the locks? Just magic your way back into the house. I'm sure it'd be worth the Ministry notification just to get back in. Or maybe go to Zonko's and get a lock opener. They have plenty."

He knew Lily better than that, though, and once again knew she wouldn't do that, but he couldn't think of anything else. If he was kicked out, he'd just go to James' without a question. However, Lily... Sirius honestly didn't know what friends she did have. Or, at least, which close friends she had. He knew she had Severus, but he doubted highly that she'd sink that low for just a place to stay.

Lily then started rambling about how she shouldn't be telling him all this, and all Sirius could think was, I wish you would have thought of that sooner.

"No, I don't think you should have went to James with this, he'd just offer to share his bed with you if you were kicked out," Sirius said with a laugh, stuffing his hands back in his pocket for lack of anything better to do with them. The concept of that idea made him laugh again. He could imagine Lily curled up on the side of James' bed all awkwardly with a scared look on her face as James creeped up behind her, perhaps sniffed her hair. Sirius laughed again out loud just at the mental image.

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[lauren]

Lily sighed and shook her head. She still had nightmares about it. "They were going to though, or at least if felt like it. Do you think they were just tourturing my parents?" she asked him, looking away. Now It's true they could have been doing it just for some fun. They probably wanted to hear her screams, but even so while she had been there Lily had been afraid they were going to kill her. In fact she had been sure they wer going to. How she was even standing here right now she wasn't sure. She didn't really remember everything that happened, but one thing she knew for sure was that she had been afraid of her life then.


That's true Lily could try that, but chances are she wouldn't. There were many things that could go wrong, at least from where Lily was standing. It wasn't that she didn't trust Dumbledore. She knew he would understand if she had to use magic for something like this, but the Ministry? She wasn't sure trusting the Ministry to not to expel her was a good enough idea to even risk it. You never really know with them. She shook her head at his suggestion, but nodded his question if her sister changed the locks. "And who's to say I wouldn't get expelled, If i tried, Huh?. Forget trying to find my way back again. I mean I can't drive and to be honest I can't stand brooms. Me and brooms do not get along." she replied, trailing off a little bit.

Lily got quiet for the next few seconds, unsure of what to say, or even how she wanted to say it. "Besides even if I DID find my way back and DID find a way to get back in. I wouldn't put it past her to have thrown everything that reminded her of me out. Ever since I got my Hogwarts letter she's been extremely jealous. She even tried to write the school and ask if she could come with me. Of course Dumbledore said no, even if he said it nicely. It didn't matter though because when she couldn't follow me here, she took it out on me instead. That's when being called a Freak and Abnormal started up" she said quietly. The only other people whom knew her sister wrote Hogwarts was Severus and well Dumbledore himself. Why her sister had decided to take it out on her, for something Dumbeldore had said she didn't really know.


Lily cracked a little smile, holding back a laugh at the last thing Sirius said about sharing a bed with James. Holding the laugh back was easy, but the smile was had. She didn't want Sirius to know she thought that was funny, or even agreed with that though. He was right, but she wasn't going to admit that and she was going to try and show it as less as possible.