doesn't matter how hard I try ``REMUS

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise had seen Remus around lately, but she found that she surprisingly had a hard time finding time to spend with him. It wasn't like they hadn't talked, it was just after their evening in the woods (which admittedly left her feeling very flustered), she found that he seemed a little distant. Their conversations in class were a little strained, although he continued to smile at her as if he was trying to tell her everything was okay. She wasn't very worried that he was mad at her, as she wasn't really getting that vibe. In fact, when Annelise looked into her journal of peoples' activities, she had noted that Remus seemed a little distant from everyone. He had missed a couple days of classes, and when he had returned to classes he seemed tired, and it seemed like he had a few cuts and bruises. She felt like he was sick, but she didn't want to ask - she didn't want to intrude.

Instead, Annelise tried to give him space. She left him to his friends at breakfast, and she just decided to head to the library at lunch alone. The library was quiet, although the hallways had been anything but - everyone was chatting about how excited they were for Halloween. She, on the other hand, didn't care much. Other than skanky costumes, there wasn't much to choose from. Besides, she didn't want to seem, well, weird. Not because she was afraid of seeming weird, but mainly because she didn't want people think Remus was dating someone strange (ignoring the fact that many people thought Remus himself was strange).

Annelise decided to pour over the only kinds of books recently that peaked her interest: ones about Fenrir Greyback. She felt like she could recite everything Greyback had done, starting at birth, and Annelise wasn't always the brightest bulb of the bunch. She swore if she thought hard enough, she could even tell people what his favourite colour was. Unfortunately, she had also noticed this year who his children were. That she didn't particularly care for. She didn't want to judge, but she couldn't imagine that the genetics from Fenrir Greyback could yield anything but evil.

Annelise tried to ignore her surroundings as she read on, completely unaware of who walked through the doors.

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[Remus John Lupin]

Remus had made a point out of being around Annelise. He had told himself he was not going to lose her again by being passive and not talking to her because he was ill at ease. Because ill at ease? He was, quite a bit.
He had stupidly hoped that Jakob's death wouldn't influence them too much, wouldn't taint the relationship they had. Of course it had. Even if Jakob hadn't been murdered. Even if Jakob hadn't been murdered by a Werewolf. Of course it changed things, her brother was dead, her best friend and very close family, of course that had changed her, and therfore it had changed them. Remus didn't expect her to forget about Jakob, that wasn't what he wanted, either, but every time he was close to her there was a glitch, a barrier. It felt unfair to be close with her and keeping things from her, especially because of what had happened to Jakob. Didn't he owe her that much?
Then again - that could mean the end of everything, didn't it? Annelise was a terribly nice girl, terribly. So nice that of all people, Remus would think she was able to forgive a murderer. But of course she couldn't. Greyback's deed was unforgivable, Remus didn't expect Annelise to forgive him, but it also made him painfully aware of the fact that she might not forgive him, either, if he told her what he was. He had waited so long, postponing the moment ever since the very beginning when he had disagreed with Sirius on the matter (Sirius being the one to tell him that once she got curious he should just dump her), and than Jakob had been murdered, and it had both made him more determined, but also more hesitant than ever.

As a Marauder, Remus was a pretty good liar if he wanted to be. His friends were sometimes surprised by how fast Remus could come up with plausible excuses when needed, but this ability had one flaw. People close to him or people he cared about.. Remus couldn't lie to them even if he tried. Lying to his parents was out of the question, his friends read him like an open book (and teased him about it), and even around Annelise Remus had trouble pretending to be fine. The difference between her and his friends was, however, that she never pushed or asked. Remus wasn't sure to feel relieved or not. Part of him knew she noticed he hadn't quite been himself lately and only loved her more for giving him space and time to think. Yet another part felt he would never gather the courage to talk to her and would rather have her confront him with everything.

The fact that this month's full moon had been straight from hell didn't help much either. Suddenly having to transform with another - female!- werewolf around had taken its toll, apparently. Remus wasn't sure what he'd done, though he was pretty convinced he had come out as the alpha in the end, but he felt more than tired and sore. He could happily sleep a hundred years, preferably floating in water to ease his sore joints and muscles.
Unfortunately, that was not an option, because that would mean missing classes. Remus knewit was probably a bad idea, but had made a pact with himself that he would at least try to get up today. It's what he always did: at least try before giving up.
He hadn't eaten much that morning, but that was fine. He often felt full after a full moon. Remus wasn't sure why, he was just glad his friends had decided not to force-feed him that particular morning. In fact, breakfast had been delightfully quiet and the morning had passed with relatively little trouble. It was lunch that broke him, eventually. He had gone to breakfast early so that it would be quieter, but lunch was unavoidably loud - especially with Halloween coming up and girls squeaking excitedly.
Quietly, Remus excused himself from his friends, leaving for the one place he knew to be empty around lunch time.

The library was usually quiet around mealtimes, especially around this time of year because there were no pressing exams yet. Even the most studious of Ravenclaws knew they needed nutrition to think, so for now, the library was his safe haven.
To be honest, he was a little surprised to see Annelise there, on her own. Remus' original plan was to fall asleep in one of the chair in the back (in the Ancient Ogham Section where no one ever came), but he couldn't just pass by Annelise, now could he? Besides, why wasn't she at lunch?

"Not hungry?" he asked her softly as he sat down opposite her, sighing softly as he put his bag down and rested his chin in his left palm, elbow on the tabletop. It was so blissfully quiet in here, it was like he could finally hear his own thoughts again.
Suppressing a yawn, he got a book from his bag, merely to keep up appearances, because he was not at all going to read, really. He hadn't noticed what Annelise was reading about, he wasn't paying attention and just assumed it was homework.

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise continued to read, even when Remus sat down opposite of her. She knew he was coming from about six feet away. The good thing about knowing someone so well was that it was like one was hyperaware of where the other person was. It was no different when it came to Remus. She finished off her page (not being a very fast reader, it took her a moment), and then carefully put a bookmark between the pages, closed the book and looked up expectantly at him. Due to the fact that she had finished the page before looking to him, she had to think for a moment about what he had asked her.

“No, not very hungry,” she admitted, simply. Annelise noticed Remus pull out a book and wondered whether he had intended on finding her, or if he had come to the library to just do homework. The dark circles under his eyes had yet to disappear, and she had a hard time ignoring them. What had been keeping him from sleeping? She had never really found herself as an overly-nosey person, but that seemed to be changing somewhat when it came to Remus. “Just thought I’d do some reading.”

Although it was the truth, Annelise couldn’t help but wonder if what she had said sounded like a lie. She was not an avid reader by any means, and for her to pick it up now may be seen as a little strange. Then again, no more strange than the random and unexplained injuries on Remus. She mentally slapped herself for the thought ... it was none of her business, she tried to tell herself, and he would explain if he felt like it. She was hoping perhaps it was just a prank by the other Marauders gone wrong.

“What are you reading?” she asked in a friendly tone. She had to bite her tongue about his marks. She didn’t know why she felt so curious – maybe it was just simple concern. It just seemed like she knew what the answer was in the back of her brain, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Sometimes Annelise wished that perhaps she was a little smarter, or had just better problem-solving skills. As much as she didn’t prod, today it was just bothering her.

“Did you not feel like eating with your friends for lunch?” she said. She honestly didn’t really know what to say. Other questions than the ones she was asking were filling up her brain, making her feel like she didn’t even know how to speak.

[Remus John Lupin]

Remus didn't aks her again. He could see she was reading intently. He was guessing it was some subject she was having trouble with or something extracurricular (as something fictional didn't usually cause a frown like that); Remus didn't expect her to still be obsessed with Greyback and he was too tired to be curious about what she was reading just now, so he didn't ask or try to find out.
“No, not very hungry.” Remus nodded a little, for a moment wondering if he should ask why not, but she didn't seem too sick or troubled to him. Besides, if there was something she needed to share, he was sure she would tell him if she felt the need. Lately, he had really appreciated the fact that Annelise tended not to try and dig answers out of him, even though he could tell he confused her sometimes, and he was not going to do the opposite to her.
“Just thought I’d do some reading.” He smiled and nodded. "Nothing wrong with reading, just make sure you don't die of malnutrition, okay?" His tone was lighter than he had expected it to be, and he was glad for it. He didn't want to sound patronising, he just cared about her.

It was funny how Annelise seemed to believe that Rem's injuries weren't her business, as Remus seemed to think the opposite. He loved her (a heavy confession, maybe, but it was true) and if she felt the same about him, well.. they were each other's business, weren't they? Remus quietly played with a loose page in his book. He really ought to fix it, magic the thing back together before he lost it or Sirius decided to practise his folding skills again and fold a paper plane out of it.
“What are you reading?” He looked up a little surprised. Remus had hardly been reading, the book had been nothing but an excuse to sit there (and fall asleep on it later). "Eh-" He closed the book for a moment to read the title, as the letters on the pages were so small and dancing in front of his eyes if he didn't focus. 'Magical Vines and Other Clingy Plants,' it read. "Herbology, apparently," he replied a little sheepishly. Was it just him, or did 'herbology' sound suspiciously like 'apology'? It sort of did, if you dropped the 'h' and considered the fact it had a silent 'r'..

“...eating with your friends for lunch?” Remus looked up from the cover of his book and realised he probably looked a little stupid, engaging in a staring contest with one of his herbology books. "No, not really," he replied, smiling a little. Part of his brain told him that this might be a good moment to say 'I was actually looking for you, because I noticed you weren't there' - but that would be a double lie. He had not been looking for her, nor had he noticed she wasn't in the Great Hall for lunch. He had simply been tired and that was his only excuse.
"I wasn't hungry," he replied, which wasn't a lie, because he wasn't. "And the Great Hall was so busy, I could use some silence. I didn't expect anyone here, but I must say I'm glad to have some company." Remus smiled at Annelise. That wasn't a lie. Not really. Sure, he had been planning to close his eyes for an hour, maybe two, but he was actually glad to have run into Annelise. It was good to be alone with her again.
"So what were you reading?" he asked her eventually, thinking it would be selfish if the entire conversation revolved around him. "Anything I can help with?" He tried to seem awake, he really did, and Remus had good hopes that if Annelise needed help on some subject, he could at least pull himself together for that long and then sleep after.

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise smiled at Remus' comment about malnutrition.

"I doubt that will happen," she said, simple. "Food is way too tempting to keep away from forever. I'll probably grab something to eat after this."

Despite Annelise's small stature, she actually ate probably more than the average girl. However, it wasn't like she would sit down and just eat nonstop, she just preferred to eat about five times a day. Every time she passed the Great Hall she would stop in and grab something quickly, or else she would sneak into the kitchens. She didn't sneak into the kitchens too often, however, as she felt guilty as if she was bothering the House Elves.

Annelise fondly watched Remus play with his book instead of actually reading it. She liked the delicate way he did it, but he seemed distracted and she didn't know why. For some reason, her mind automatically went to Lena. If Annelise didn't see Remus with the other Marauders or herself, she saw Remus with Lena. She didn't mean to feel the sudden jealous itch, but it wasn't something she could help. No, she doubted it was Lena. They were only friends. As much as Annelise knew this, she couldn't help but constantly hope it as well. She knew Lena was prettier, and perhaps that she had more in common with Remus (intellectually, and the fact they were both Gryffindors), but she hoped there was something that was more important to Remus in Annelise.

She sort of just 'hmm'd' through his explanation of why he wasn't with his friends for lunch. She didn't know why, but him just fiddling with the book bothered him somehow. When he asked her what she had been reading, she just answered, "Oh, Fenrir Greyback again. You'd be surprised about how many books there are on him, but it's all rather repetitive information." in an uninterested fashion.

It was true. As much as she didn't want it to be true, she was getting rather bored with all the Fenrir Greyback reading. It was like reading the same story over and over, but she felt herself being rather obsessive about it. She didn't want to do it, but she couldn't break herself away. It was like as long as she did it, she didn't have to think about Jakob. The worst part was that whenever she read about how Greyback tortured his victims, she couldn't help but think about her brother and what must have happened to him.

Annelise broke herself away from her pensive state and accidentally ignored his question about if there was anything he could help her with by her interrupting him with, "Is there something on your mind?"

Annelise found that ever since she returned from the summer break, she found herself with a little less patience than before. It was something that had developed that she hadn't meant to, and she tried to keep herself in check. It wasn't that she snapped at Remus, but she probably wouldn't have asked him before if something was bothering him.

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[Remus John Lupin]

"I doubt that will happen. Food is way too tempting to keep away from forever. I'll probably grab something to eat after this." He smiled a little, at least she seemed fine - not ill or anything. Still, there was something that still bothered him. What could be so pressing that it kept her from lunch? What made her isolate herself from her housemates? Then again, she might just have been busy working when lunch started, deciding to continue working for now, so she would at least be finished.
He was worrying too much again, wasn't he? Rem hoped he was, to be honest.

Despite his fatigue, Remus was a little restless, toying with the pages of his book, still, seemlingly in dubio whether to read or just toss the book aside. As Annelise's mind was thinking about Lena, that specific girl was farthest from Remus mind as ever was. He was a little worried about Annelise, though. Something didn't make sense, there was something wrong, it was like there was a distance between them - and he didn't just mean the table. She didn't seem to be listening, had he done something to make her mad?
"Oh, Fenrir Greyback again. You'd be surprised about how many books there are on him, but it's all rather repetitive information." He stilled immediately. "Oh," he muttered quietly, not sure how to react to that. Remus wasn't going to be angry and admonish her for ignoring his advice. It was her life, after all, and they hadn't had any contact for over three months, that seemed like a good reason to decide not to listen to him anymore. Still, it worried him. For one thing, this didn't seem to make her any happier
Remus was still thinking about how to react adequately, a little shocked still. Also, the way in which she'd spoken chilled him a little. Was this anger or indifference towards him? Personally? Or had she just come across something that bugged her? Or was she not finding what she was looking for, and was she taking that out on him without meaning to?

He still hadn't spoken when Annelise surprised him again. "Is there something on your mind?" Remus knew his answer to that. "Yes," he said, nodding a little and closing his book, putting it to the side, fed up with his own nervous fiddling.
Another scenario arose in his mind. What if she had found information about him during her search? The mere idea made his blood run cold and there and then, in a split second, he decided to tell her. The longer he put it off, the bigger the chance that she would find out before he told her, and that would be so much worse. "There is.. something on my mind, something I have to tell you," he confessed, avoiding her eyes. He glanced over his shoulder a moment. "I'd rather not discuss it here, though.. could we go somewhere private?" His heart was beating high up in his throat, his blood rushing in his ears. Remus was terrified, but he was convinced he was going to do the right thing. Don't back out now, be a Gryffindor for once.

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise got the strange feeling that Remus didn't believe that she wasn't eating because she wasn't hungry. Either way, she wasn't particularly bothered. Really, she was just trying to give him some space until he felt comfortable again. She didn't want to be pushy by any means, and therefore she hadn't felt it necessary to follow him around for meals. Besides, she could ignore her grumbling stomach a little longer anyways.

Remus' 'oh' seemed disapproving. Annelise had forgotten that he didn't think it was good for her well-being to be so obsessive about the person who had killed her brother ('person' was hard for her to even think, considering she considered him a monster for what he had done), and she immediately felt ashamed for indulging. She shut the book in what she hoped was an unnoticeable way, and looked at him innocently.

Remus' answer to her question came as a surprise to her. She had just thought maybe he had been tired or sick, or something had been going on personally with his friends. The grave way he answered 'yes', and then wanted to go somewhere else was unexpected, and the shock showed on her face. Remus' usually pale cheeks were flooded with colour, and her heart couldn't help but pick up in speed as well out of nervousness.

"Yes, of course we can go somewhere else," she responded. She went to pack up the library books, but looked at Remus and instead just closed them up and left them on the table. He seemed stressed, and she didn't want to worry him further by bringing the books she had already read for what seemed like a half a dozen times with them.

"Where to?" she asked with a nervous smile.

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[Remus John Lupin]

He could see Annelise was surprised. It was pretty obvious. Then again, even he hadn't really expected this answer, he had only decided on a whim (a good whim, he kept telling himself). Also, after all, he had been giving her excuses for ages. Excuses of not having slept well, of just not feeling well, even the excuse that 'he was fine' even if he wasn't. Maybe she had expected Remus to come up with an excuse once again. Remus just hoped she didn't think he was going to break up with her in any way - that was the last thing he wanted!

Remus nodded a little quietly when she agreed to go somewhere else with him. He already knew where he wanted to go. The Room of Requirements was the only option, the only place where they'd be absolutely alone, and the only place he was sure of that no one would walk in on them. Also, well, they had both spent happy hours in that room, and maybe he hoped that would make them both feel more at ease.
He dropped his book into his bag and when Annelise asked him "where to?", he took her hand in his and started walking - he didn't want to seem like he was forcing her to come along, but he just wanted this to be quick. Like a band aid. Before he lost his courage. "Room of Requirements," he said, nodding, and wishing he could return her smile, or at least look reassuring, but he felt that he couldn't. Remus didn't think he'd ever been so terrified of doing something in his life. Nothing compared to this.

Luckily, they had both visited the Room often enough to know whereabouts it was, and it was very obvious that Remus needed it to appear ('I need a place, a private place, a place to talk.') as the door materialised within mere seconds, as if the castle had already sensed his need in the previous corridor and had decided to pass it on to the Room in advance.
It was quite a familiar sight. It seemed to be the setting they'd always used. A fire place with some furniture, although this time, there was no couch, only two large arm chairs, a little apart from each other. Remus let go of Annelise's hand, fidgeting. "Uhm.. Sit down?" Yeah, she was going to want to sit down for this.

He had been so focused on coming here and going through with it, that he hadn't at all thought about how to start this! Blind panic flashed in his eyes for a moment and he clenched his fists for a second, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. Remus couldn't sit. He paced in front of the fire a little, looking increasingly uncomfortable.
"I, just - before I say this.." Remus realised he didn't want to look at her, he couldn't look at her. No, he had to look at her. It would be more than impolite to talk to the wall as though she wasn't there. "Before I say this I want you to know that.. that I really- Annelise," he choked on her name a little and drew a deep breath to try and slow down his heart. "I want you to know that I love you," he muttered, quietly and quickly, as though that was his guilty confession - if only! That would've been so much easier to say! "And I feel like a liar and an imposter for not telling this sooner, I hope you can at least forgive me for that." Because if Annelise decided not to continue her friendship or relationship or whatever-they-had with him because of what he was going to tell her now, Remus could understand that (even though it would hurt and break his heart), but he hoped she could at least understand why he hadn't told her earlier.

Walking to the chair next to Annelise's chair, he sat down, because his urge to just run was getting more pressing every second, and this would at least prevent him from running - at least a little. Surprisingly enough, sitting down calmed him down slightly. It made his head spin less and his thoughts less jumbled and for a moment Remus wondered if the Room had charmed the thing to calm him down. He wasn't sure, but he didn't care, he felt a little calmer, and that was something.
"Also, uhm, professor Dumbledore and the staff already know this," he said with a bit of a nod. "But most of the students do not and I'd appreciate it if you didn't.. tell anyone." Not that he could really stop her, but Annelise was a nice, sensible girl. He just hoped that even if she was repulsed, she wouldn't go that far.
Remus exhaled slowly. "Eh." He swallowed, glanced at the fire place and back at Annelise. She was completely puzzled by now - no surprise there. He was just going to have to throw it out, no more stalling with 'I love you''s and whatnot. "I suppose when reading about Greyback you've come across reports of an eight-year-old boy being attacked? The son of someone working at the Ministry?" He blushed and paused. No, no, he just had to say it, he was almost there.

"That was me. I got infected." He couldn't get the words 'werewolf' or 'lycanthrope' out of his mouth, but he was sure Annelise would know what he meant.

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise couldn't help but think up a whole array of reasons as to why he wanted to go somewhere else to tell her something. Did he cheat on her? No, of course not. Something deep inside of her told her that he wouldn't do such a thing. Did someone die or get really injured? She doubted that one, too, as she was sure she would have found out by now. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't think up a plausible reason, and for some reason that made her even more nervous. The only way there was something bad was if Remus didn't act the way that he usually did, and therefore did something wrong. She hoped not, as Annelise trusted Remus, and although she was usually quite gullible, she hoped that he hadn't told her lies in order to get her to like him. Annelise really did like him just the way he was, and didn't want to find out that he was actually a big womanizer who used his intelligence to draw in girls, or that he was actually not a nice guy after all. Annelise never worried before about him, but at that moment she felt like she had been deceived in some way, and that scared her. She had no idea how right her feelings truly were.

She knew where Remus was going to bring her even before he muttered the location to her. Annelise knew it would be the Room of Requirement. It had been the place where everything had started between the two of them. The room held so much meaning for them, and therefore assumed it was where they would go. She could feel the sweat in her palm, and wasn't sure if it was hers, or Remus', or both.

When she entered the Room of Requirement, it looked familiar - no couch this time. It was like he was going to be interviewing her or something. She sat down in one of the chairs, feeling rather shaky and glad that he had suggested her to sit or else she would have felt awkward doing so. He seemed agitated and fidgety; a manner which she had yet to see him before. Annelise tried to take all of him in at once. She watched the stress in his face, and his palms clench. She could feel her heart pump a mile a minute and so hard that she swore he could hear it (as she could certainly hear her heartbeat in her ears). Annelise wished he would sit with her, but she couldn't find words.

When Remus he admitted he loved her, she could feel herself blush, but she couldn't get herself to say it back, mainly because it looked like he had a lot more to say. How stupid would she feel if she told him she loved him, too, only to find out that he had done something terribly wrong to her? Annelise could practically hear the panic in his voice, and could feel the stress in the air as if it was building a wall of tension between them. She held her tongue and patiently waited for him to tell her. She didn't want to rush him in fear of him lashing out, and besides, she could tell that she didn't want to hear what he was about to say.

When Remus sat down, nothing changed about Annelise. She thought maybe it would calm her for him to be on the same level as her, but that certainly was not the case. Instead, it seemed like the armchair was somehow swallowing Remus, if that made any sense. She looked intently at him, hoping that she seemed calm.When he said that all the other professors knew, that Dumbledore knew, she instantly assumed that this was just a secret - something that had happened to him in the past. Nothing he had done to her. She exhaled slowly with relief, but hadn't realized that relief had come too soon. She listened to him finish what he had to say, and didn't realize she had begun holding her breath. An eight-year-old being attacked?

"Yes, I did read about that," Annelise answered, much more slowly than she usually spoke. For some reason, she couldn't get herself to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Instead, it was like her brain was forcing her to not understand what was going on. She started to think of everything else wrong: did he have a sibling, as well, who had been murdered? No, that wouldn't make any sense. The boy in the article had survived... the boy had been born in 1960 - she knew as she had read the article many, many times as it had been tragic, but at the same time she had constantly wondered how that boy managed to survive but her brother had to die - which could only mean ...

Remus said it moments before Annelise threw it all together. She couldn't move, her hands were clenched on the armrests of the chair she was sitting in. Remus, a .... she couldn't even bring herself to say it. It was a reaction she hadn't expected from herself. Yes, her best friend as a child had been a werewolf, but they were children then. Children were a lot more accepting. She wanted to tell him at that exact moment everything was fine, but she couldn't do it. Everything wasn't fine.

Her eyes ran along the small amount of visible scars he had. Which ones were self-inflicted, and which ones were caused by Greyback? She couldn't wrap her head around the idea that once a month, the boy who was sitting in front of her, her boyfriend (as she had assumed they were back together), turned into a wolf. It must be the reason why his Patronus was a wolf... she looked at the ground for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. He lied to her. He didn't tell her any of this before. Was she frightened? No, she couldn't say she was. She felt ashamed with herself for not being able to just say, 'everything is okay.' After a few moments, she found the strength to look at him in the face. When she did, her eyes caught his, and in that second she realized that he was still the same person all along. He had been like this since he was eight... being a werewolf was probably all that he knew. His eyes were big, brown and wide, and she knew in that moment that she loved him for sure, but she didn't know what to do, exactly. She wasn't stupid - she knew that love wasn't that cure all, end all. Annelise felt tears rush to her own eyes before she could stop them.

"But... how... I mean, you can't be," Annelise stuttered. What did that mean for them, anyways? Did it mean he didn't want to be with her because of it, or that he just thought she should know? She suddenly understood the hidden strength despite his small stature. "I... I don't know what to say," she admitted.

Annelise couldn't bring herself to move a centimeter. She wanted him to say more, to explain himself, but she didn't know how to ask. She didn't even know what to feel, herself.

((Annelise is in a bit of a state of shock, sorry for the lack of dialogue haha.))

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[Remus John Lupin]

Remus didn't want to think about all the worries he might be causing in Annelise's mind. None of them could possibly be worse than the truth, right? Not in his eyes, anyway. Maybe, in a way, it was selfish of him not to consider Annelise's feelings, but in the end he meant it for the best, he just wanted to be honest, he wanted there to be no more secrets between them.
He was glad that Annelise was silent. Maybe it was due to surprise and shock, maybe she didn't know what to say, but Remus was just glad she didn't speak as he recollected himself and that she didn't interrupt him as he finally managed to get his mouth to start talking. Part of him realised she was probably as nervous as he was, maybe worse, because at least Remus knew what the matter was all about and she didn't. Then again - Remus didn't know how she'd react and that was even more scary in its own way.

As he finally sat down and spoke, he was so busy focusing on what he wanted, needed, to say that even as he glanced at Annelise briefly every once in a while, he didn't try to take in her reactions. Not yet, he didn't want to yet. He didn't want to read anything in her eyes that would stop him from saying the rest and leaving this whole question unanswered. Maybe just as well, because due to this he missed her sigh of relief, which would've confused him if he had noticed.
His question about the eight-year-old boy had been more of a rhetorical question. Remus knew Annelise knew about it. After all, he had seen her read about it, and he didn't doubt it had been all over the news (thankfully without disclosing his identity). His ears registered her words, but his brain didn't respond to them, and he kept talking in a nervous frenzy, a waterfall of words - or at least, that was what it felt like to him. Both their brains seemed to be out of sync a little.

His voice faltered and grinded to a halt when he'd said all he'd wanted to say. Remus, for a moment, focused on his breathing. When had it become so hard to breathe, anyway? It was still quiet. Was she there, still? In a moment of insecurity, Remus looked up at her. No, she was still there.
Was that good?
He wasn't sure. Annelise looked like she'd just been petrified. She looked at him, Remus looked away a little. It itched a little, her eyes on him, and it was an unfamiliar sensation because he had never felt that around Annelise before. If anything, he had always felt he could be himself around Annelise. And she was still so silent.. Remus didn't want to push her, mainly because she hadn't pushed him either, but the longer the suspension took, the more Remus wished for a clear reaction. Be it horror, be it forgiveness, anything - something he could react to!

When their eyes met, Remus started for a moment. What was it? Was she going to say something? He couldn't read the look in her eyes and that worried him and the longer she didn't speak, the more scared he grew. This was not going to end well, was it?
His chest tightened when the first tears stained her cheeks and his first instinct was to reach out for her, which he did but he hesitated and half retreated back again before he had touched her. Did she want his comfort? "But... how... I mean, you can't be." He pulled his hand back, glanced at the fire. "I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't true, I wish it was a joke."

It was true that he hadn't quite clarified why he had told her this. Remus had been so focused on the fact that he had to tell her, that he had done just that, and nothing more. Thing was, he absolutely wanted to be with her, more than anything. Remus had just wanted there to be no secrets between them and maybe, just maybe, a secondary reason had been to show her that he knew what he was talking about when he warned her about Greyback.
"I... I don't know what to say." He nodded a little. "I'm sorry," he said, once more. It seemed Remus wasn unable to stop apologising. "It's just.. you know.. I want to be with you and I don't want to lie to you, even if the truth less pretty," he softly said. An instinct inside of him half-told him to run, or at least to move, there was all this.. all this energy inside him and he wasn't sure what he should do with it. It was like now that he had spoken, all his nerves and adrenaline seemed to have unleashed and he felt restless. Restless and still scared.
"I just.. I had been thinking about confessing earlier.. and then I saw you reading about Greyback again and I was just-" Remus ran a hand through his hair and sighed shakily. "I was just afraid you'd figure out by yourself, I didn't want you to. I wanted to be the one to tell you," he added, looking up at her. "I love you," he repeated quietly and found, to his relief, that it rolled off his lips naturally, less nervous than before. "But if we're going to be together.. I just.. I thought you'd need to know this. It's- it's pretty important, even if it's only one night a month.."

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise hated the look on his face. As selfish as it sounded, she almost wished he hadn't told her... or did she? Her thoughts were conflicting, and she looked down at her hands in her lap in order to get them straight. For some reason, she was afraid that if she looked at Remus, she would know what she was thinking. She felt ashamed to think that she was being anything less than accepting. Why was she able to accept her friend as a child being a werewolf easier than Remus? Was it because of nothing more than the fact that children are just more accepting in general, or was she taking out her rage of Greyback onto Remus unintentionally?

Remus wiped the tears off of her face, but she found the more she tried to hold them back, the more it felt like they would come. She felt selfish but yet confused at the same time; not to mention the fact that she felt like a hypocrite. Why did she feel the need to bite back tears? Why couldn't she just accept this so that they could move on with their lives? Annelise couldn't help but feel like what happened to her brother made her prejudice towards werewolves.

Annelise felt even worse when Remus claimed that he wished that it were a joke. Of course he didn't want to be a werewolf. Yes, as Annelise had learned through her intense research, there were people who wanted to be werewolves. As she was discovering, Remus definitely wasn't one of them.

"I-I didn't mean it like that," Annelise uncharacteristically stuttered. She felt very flustered, and as if everything she was going to say he would take to heart, or over-analyze. She couldn't even begin to comprehend what it would be like to tell someone - especially the one person you cared about - a secret this big and this deep. "I... I guess I don't know what I mean. I just didn't expect this from you."

Annelise attempted to smile, but even she could tell it was weak. She didn't want Remus to think that he was alone, that she wasn't going to support him. It was just that she needed time to let it sink in, and it hadn't happened yet. She felt like she had to do something, to say something, or else he was going to gradually begin to regret telling her more and more. She knew that was the way it worked.

She couldn't help but let a small, genuine smile through when he explained himself.

"I love you too," she replied, simply. She wished she could have told him this in a better situation than him telling her his biggest, darkest secret, but now was as good a chance as ever, right?

Annelise sat awkwardly for a moment, indecisive as of how to react next. She had never felt strange around Remus before, and had always felt extremely comfortable. She had the quick and sudden urge to be alone and to think things over. Did she want to be with Remus? Yes, she certainly did. She couldn't even justify to herself why she was having such a hard time. He cared for her, and he had never done anything to hurt her, whether mentally or physically. He was extremely kind, and did anything to make everyone happy. There wasn't a thing in the world wrong with him - it was just this. Was that worth losing the relationship? No, it wasn't.

Annelise leaned forward and touched one of his hands. She didn't ask questions often, but she felt like she had to ask this one.

"How did it happen?"

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[Remus John Lupin]

Remus was still a little tense. Getting everything out had calmed him down a little, sure, but there still hadn't been a very clear reaction. Not that he had expected Annelise to have one at the ready, of course not! Looking at her face, he was sure this was a complete surprise to her and all the information still had to sink in. Remus wasn't sure what kind of reaction to expect. Of course he wanted her to be accepting and understanding - and part of him knew Annelise was an accepting and understanding person so he really hoped this would be no exception. Then again, this was something quite different from other things she had been understanding about so far. And even if she'd had a werewolf childhood friend, that was years ago, and a lot, a lot had happened.

She was still crying, although she tried not to, and Remus smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry," he admitted. Was is a useless thing to say? Remus didn't think so.. then again: what did he know? He wasn't bothered by the crying because it might mean she was no okay with him, it just hurt him to see her sad like that, in tears, and knowing it was because of him. It was only natural that she cried, he hadn't expected her to laugh anyway!
"I-I didn't mean it like that." Remus wasn't sure what she meant, exactly, and what he had misunderstood, and he couldn't look inside her head, so he would probably never know.. However, to comfort her, he said: "It's okay, I know you didn't." He couldn't help but smile a little when she said she hadn't expected him to be a werewolf. "I'll take that as a compliment," he said, trying to sound light, joking. He didn't want her to be upset. Remus had just felt he needed to share this with her, because he cared about her, and turn it into a secret they both shared, just like he shared other things with her.

Almost imperceptably, Remus could feel the atmosphere of the conversation changing. He didn't notice it until he realised his muscles were relaxing, tense knots flexing under his skin briefly before disappearing - something was different. Annelise seemed more open, less upset than before, and Remus smiled hopefully. Maybe things were going to be fine after all.
And then came the words "I love you too" and he sighed in quiet relief, smiling back at her.
There was a brief moment of awkwardness, of insecurity of how to proceed after the acceptance and realisation, but Remus was pretty sure the real moment of fear was over, and he shifted in the chair a little, feeling so far away from Annelise all of a sudden. Why had the room given them chairs and not a sofa!

Annelise seemed to think the same thing, as she moved to touch his hand, and he smiled, taking her hand in his and squeezing it gently.
"How did it happen?" THe question didn't surprise him. "I can't quite remember," he confessed. "I know my father did something to piss Greyback off.. I don't know what he did, he didn't tell me." He shrugged. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Greyback attacked me in the garden one night, when I was getting some more firewood - my mum told me, I don't remember the attack, although I do remember being in the hospital, vaguely." It felt rather liberating to be able to talk to someone about this, to be honest, and especially with Annelise, who he knew wouldn't laugh at him or judge him.

[Annelise Westerhof]

It was hard to imagine that one night of a month, Remus wasn't, well, Remus. She couldn't help but think up a whole array of questions. Did he remember his nights prowling around? Where did he go to transform? Were there other werewolves in Hogwarts? Did he ever do bad things? If he was to come across her transformed, would he have enough human left in him to not attack her? All these questions bounced around in her head, but she couldn't bring herself to ask them. It seemed... wrong to. Annelise wasn't even sure which questions he would find offensive. She never found herself as curious as she was now. Due to the fact that she didn't fully grasp as of yet the seriousness of the issue (completely, at least) she was filled with questions instead of fear.

Annelise felt terrible that Remus was actually apologizing to her.

"Don't apologize... please," Annelise replied with a small smile. She wiped away the tears on her cheeks to try to make him feel better. She felt selfish for feeling so upset about the issue. He was the one who was a werewolf, not her! "I don't even know why I'm crying... you did nothing wrong."

What she said was actually sincere. It wasn't his fault that he was what he was. When Annelise tried to put herself in his shoes, she hoped that he wouldn't back away from her just because there was something wrong with her that was out of her control. That would be unfair; it would be cruel. It was just that she didn't understand, it was making her somewhat frustrated. She wished she could just enter his brain and see what was going on inside. Never before had she felt so close to Remus, but yet so far away.

Annelise laughed quietly when Remus claimed to take it as a compliment.

"It's just out of you and all your friends, I think I'd choose you as least likely to be a werewolf. Just look at Black... he's so wild and has that bark of a laugh. I would have guessed it was him over well-mannered and perfect Remus Lupin," Annelise mused. Her cheeks grew rosy after realizing that she had called Remus perfect. Well, he was perfect, wasn't he? Perfect for her, at least. Or, at least, that's what she believed. She didn't voice this particular opinion, however, in fear that it might freak him out. That thought weird-ed her out. Out of the whole conversation, she was worried that she'd scare him off?

Annelise liked it when Remus squeezed her hand. It was beyond comforting. She almost expected him to not answer her question, but when he did, she felt herself squeezing his hand, almost a little too hard.

"Greyback?" she demanded, more irritably and angrily than she had intended. "Is he the destroyer of all lives?"

Annelise looked at her hand clenched on his, and loosened her grip somewhat. She could feel the tears burn in her eyes again, but she tried to not let them fall. She had never felt this angry before. She could practically feel the rage pumping through her veins. She took a few deep breaths in attempt to calm herself. She looked at Remus, then stood up and wrapped her arms around him in a hug while he sat.

"I am so sorry," she sobbed. She didn't want to lose him. She didn't want this to change anything, despite the fact she knew deep down that things were going to change: if their relationship led to anywhere, things were going to not be the same as she had initially envisioned. Feeling his warmth on her, though, she found herself not caring. She didn't want to lose him. He began to feel like all she knew.

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[Remus John Lupin]

Remus was glad Annelise couldn't imagine him as a savage sort of creature. After all, that was the image he was trying to cultivate. Not that his personality was a lie, of course not, but he did try to be a nice person, overall, and took care not to give in to urges or instincts he knew were not human. Now that the truth was out, he figured Annelise would try to find differences in his manner, try to see how he was different, maybe. He only expected her to have questions, in fact, he would be worried if she didn't have any questions, really. Of course there were some things he was ashamed of, some things he hadn't shared with anyone else, but if she just asked, he would share them with her; because with Annelise, it was different.

"Don't apologize... please. I don't even know why I'm crying... you did nothing wrong." Remus pursed his lips slightly, mildly disagreeing. "I did - I should've told you. Besides, I imagine it's quite a shock," he softly said. "I mean.. it's not exactly what you hoped for, is it?" Part of him just wanted to pull her close, tell her it was okay to cry. Annelise could cry all she wanted, as long as it made her feel better in the end.
Despite everything, he smiled a little surer when Annelise laughed softly. "I know," he said, when Annelise explained why she'd laughed, "I do try to be, eh- perfect." His own cheeks coloured slightly as well. "Because then when people find out, they will be surprised and realise- realise we're not just animals," he softly said, smiling slightly. "Besides, I owe it to Dumbledore, after all the trouble he went through to allow me into Hogwarts."

Annelise's sudden change in tone and manner when he mentioned Greyback wasn't at all a surprise. "Is he the destroyer of all lives?" He wanted Annelise closer and he was glad to find she felt the same way, hugging him, and he pulled her next to him, in the chair. They were both on the skinny side, the chair was rather wide, and he wanted to be closer to her, because he could see she was getting more upset and that was not what he wanted.
"I know, it's ironic," he softly said, pulling her a little closer against him. He didn't want her to be angry or upset. "I know he is terrible, Annelise, and he does a lot of bad things, but it's no use being angry." He pecked her forhead. "You have all the right in the world to be angry, as have I, and I have been angry with him for a long, long time, but in the end, all you hurt is yourself," Remus softly said.
She was crying again and he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. "Don't be sorry," he murmured. "You have nothing to be sorry for, I love you."

[Annelise Westerhof]

Annelise wasn't sure if she was going to look for differences in Remus. She didn't even assume that he would show wolfish tendencies (other than his unexplainable strength), as she hadn't noticed any before. Really, she could have asked a while bunch of questions like, 'so, do you have extra good smell, sight, hearing,' but she was in so much shock that none of those questions even occurred to her. For the most part, she wanted to make sure he was okay... that they were okay.

"Well, I can't imagine you'd want to go out and tell the world," she replied. A question suddenly hit her, "How many people do know?"

The last name she really wanted to hear was 'Lena.' If Lena knew, then Annelise would probably not be very happen. It would mean he trusted some other girl with this secret before Annelise. Annelise and Remus had ... something for almost a year now, and all Lena was, was a friend. She knew she'd be offended if he had said that Lena knew. Worst of all, she thought she'd be jealous as Lena was no doubt thinking thoughts like, 'Hah, I know, and his own girlfriend doesn't!' Annelise knew she was being immature, but that was the exact reason why she didn't voice her thoughts.

Annelise didn't answer his question about whether it was something she wanted to hear. No, it wasn't something she wanted him to be. She did know, however, that if she said this, no doubt a part of him would be offended, even if he didn't intend to be. She shrugged it off as a rhetorical question.

"The smallest amount of research on werewolves would show that not all of them are bad," Annelise replied with a small laugh. "It's just because they don't want to be associated with the bad ones, though, so they don't say what they are. With all the prejudice, I don't think I would tell people either."

Annelise was aware of the many werewolves, usually supporters of Greyback, who didn't live normal human lives like Remus did. They liked to associate themselves as animals, not the other way around. They were terrible people, and usually enjoyed infecting others. The thought of them roaming around frightened her.

Annelise allowed herself to sink into Remus. She adjusted herself to be comfortable and let the tears come out without caring. Why did it seem like everything in her life revolved around werewolves? Her best friend as a child, her brother was killed by one, and now her boyfriend was one? Either there were a lot more werewolves running around than Annelise expected, or this was more than coincidental.

"Is this why you disappear for a few days every month?" Annelise asked once the tears subsided. "I feel silly for spending so much time with you and not noticing that something was... different."

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